Steven Write quotes... very funny

Titulli: Steven Write quotes... very funny Wed Dec 03, 2008 9:10 pm

There aren't enough days in the weekend.

I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.

Droughts are because god didn't pay his water bill.

I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all
day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what for?"

My roomm ate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartmentsomewhere.

When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old
lady had to help me across the street.

If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're
Shakespeare?

I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.

Titulli: Re: Steven Write quotes... very funny Wed Dec 03, 2008 9:11 pm

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.

I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them. Now I
can ride a unicycle.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.

"Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes."

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet.
So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?"

Titulli: Re: Steven Write quotes... very funny Wed Dec 03, 2008 9:13 pm

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. ( it happened to me !!! )

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

Titulli: Re: Steven Write quotes... very funny Wed Dec 03, 2008 9:15 pm

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.

I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said,
"They're behind the couch." And they were!

One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the world.

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you
see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."

I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be
really tired.

Last year we drove across the country. We switched on the driving...every half mile...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip...I don't
remember what it was.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

I have a microwave fireplace in my house...The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.

Titulli: Re: Steven Write quotes... very funny Wed Dec 03, 2008 9:17 pm

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a
woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out."

Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so...
he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."

I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

I saw a close friend of mine the other day... He said, "Stephen, why haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know... my calendar has no sevens on it."

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they
can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered
French toast during the Renaissance.

I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.

Titulli: Re: Steven Write quotes... very funny Wed Dec 03, 2008 9:19 pm

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.

How young can you die of old age?

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Titulli: Re: Steven Write quotes... very funny Wed Dec 03, 2008 9:21 pm

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes.

Titulli: Re: Steven Write quotes... very funny Wed Dec 03, 2008 9:24 pm

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.

Titulli: Re: Steven Write quotes... very funny Wed Dec 03, 2008 9:28 pm

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? The guy who wrote that song wrote everything.

Titulli: Re: Steven Write quotes... very funny Wed Dec 03, 2008 9:31 pm

Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, 'Do I know you?'

A fool and his money are soon partying.

All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store...with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.

Do fish get cramps after eating?

Do married people live longer than single people or does it just seem longer?

Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

Even snakes are afraid of snakes.

Factorials were someone's attempt to make math look exciting.

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

Titulli: Re: Steven Write quotes... very funny Wed Dec 03, 2008 9:33 pm

I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.

I don't have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

I have a decaffeinated coffee table. You'd never know it to look at it.

Titulli: Re: Steven Write quotes... very funny Wed Dec 03, 2008 9:40 pm

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried
before.

Half the people you know are below average.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Titulli: Re: Steven Write quotes... very funny Wed Dec 03, 2008 9:41 pm

Here are some Dane Cook quotes: Steven Write quotes... very funny 19133

1. Every group has a Karen and she is always a bag of douche!

2. There's always someone in every group of friends that nobody likes. If you don't think so, then you're the person!

3. I don't know if I could kill someone with a frozen turkey because that is a lot of evidence to eat. Unless I found a whole room of people who also wanted that person dead.

4. Time machine... wouldn't you like to travel through time? I would. I'd go back..mess with people. You know what I would do? I would go back to when my mom and dad were having sex, to have me. Ya'know, come in, spank my dad on the ass, I'M YOUR SON FROM THE FUTURE!! AAAAAAHAHAHHAHAHAHA! *smack* IM FROM THE FUTURE!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAH

5. People want to be remembered for great things, such as contributing to humanity, he says. I saw a young boy eating an ice cream cone, ... I smashed it in his face. You know that kid is going to remember me when he's 50.”

Titulli: Re: Steven Write quotes... very funny Wed Dec 03, 2008 9:44 pm

Stephen Colbert Quotes.
He was going to run for president this coming elections in USA, but neither the democrats nor the republicans considered him. They either wanted a huge amount of money, or some stupid criteria. Was there something else behind this?
This are not that funny, but simply true and sometimes sad.
He is one of the most known stand up comedians, here are some of his quotes. Enjoy.

1. I must confess that I've never trusted the Web. I've always seen it as a coward's tool. Where does it live? How do you hold it personally responsible? Can you put a distributed network of fiber-optic cable "on notice"? And is it male or female? In other words, can I challenge it to a fight?

2. When the president decides something on Monday, he still believes it on Wednesday.. no matter what happened Tuesday.

3. I would say there’s almost nothing that can’t be mocked on a certain level as long as it doesn’t involve loss of life or deep human tragedy. I don’t think we ever looked at something and said that’s too ridiculous to make more ridiculous. Contrary to what people may say, there’s no upper limit to stupidity. We can make everything stupider.

4. You don't look up truthiness in a book, you look it up in your gut.

5. I welcome opposing viewpoints, but I should warn you that you'll be facing off against the 2nd-place finisher at the 1981 Charleston County High-School Debate Tournament. And whatever became of that county champ who argued in favor of tractor safety modifications? Last time I checked, she didn't have her own show.

6. I stand by this man (President George W. Bush). I stand by this man because he stands for things. Not only for things, he stands on things. Things like aircraft carriers and rubble and recently flooded city squares. And that sends a strong message, that no matter what happens to America, she will always rebound.. with the most powerfully staged photo ops in the world.

7. I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully.

8. They misunderestimated me
9. It's evolutionary, going from governor to president, and this is a significant step, to be able to vote for yourself on the ballot, and I'll be able to do so next fall, I hope

10. There's an old saying in Tennessee.. I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee.. that says: fool me once, shame on.. .. shame on you?.. .. Fool me.. you can't get fooled again.

11. Now we all know that Fidel Castro dressed up like Marilyn Monroe and gave JFK a case of syphilis so bad it eventually blew out the back of his head.

12. Lemme just talk to you for a second about something that I think is good for America: caramel apples, ... I had one last night. Delicious. Not talking about candy apples. I think candy apples are a danger! You crack 'em, they're very sharp. You candy apple crowd need to wake up!

13. “In success, you wouldn't be able to say I'm conservative or liberal. I'm part of the blame-America-last crowd.”

Titulli: Re: Steven Write quotes... very funny Wed Dec 03, 2008 10:03 pm

u've done a great job by finding these quotes...thnx, they r fantastic and so true!

Titulli: Re: Steven Write quotes... very funny Thu Dec 04, 2008 6:42 pm

Vane$$a shkruajti:: My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

dis one is my fave Steven Write quotes... very funny 120684